i dont know why,
but my classmates seem to be avoiding me for the whole week.
is it something i did?
i'd probalby never know the reason behind it.
whenever i tried asking about it, they make up excuses like "no time to talk", "rushing off to somewhere"
or are called away by their friends.
not that i mind.
but my project requires me to be in a group, but every group i approach seems to be "full capacity"
or so they told me.
and no matter where i sit in the lecture theater,
the whole row that i'm on would be empty.
i've got less than a week to find a group willing to "adopt" me.
i know that i cant be choosy, but what's the point of
dumping me into a group of china folk with heavily accented english? (no offence intended)
no communication=no work=no diploma.
so just to sum it all up,
i've just had a pretty shitty week in sch,
thank you very much.

now let me be.
Ad@m360 | 4:38 PM |

it's 6ix days before the big day and i'm crumbling to pieces.
right after i talked to her, something set me thinking that kept me up the whole night.
my teen years, the part of my life i spent my childhood days waiting for, has been wasted.
and i dont blame anyone but myself.
right from the start in sec 1, my social life was set to fail. found it difficult to make friends and guess what?
i still do.
just one look at my msn contacts and friendster testimonials, is enough to be called pathetic. and please,
dont tell me that people who have few friends are close with them.
not for my case.
those on my contacts list who actually bother to contact me either have their problems for me to solve, or are up
for some pointless conversation.
okay, back in sec sch, when friends went for certain camps, i was okay with it, cos there were a considerable number who didnt get to go, too.
i began to feel a bit left out when schoolmates started to organise their own chalet sleepovers, i never went to one. the reason being that they were unsuitable,
or i was never invited.
then when i got back my o'level results, i didnt pass, nor failed. and with this kind of result that was in limbo, no poly wanted to take the risk of
taking me in. ok, fine.
so after 5 rejection slips later, i finally gave up appealling.
still undeterred, i found a spot in a private institution.
thinking that that i can shove my past back into the isolated recesses of my mind, never to be brought up again.
but i didnt know how wrong i could have ever been.
when some of my old friends called me up just to tell me that their sch organised overseas trips for them,
i sunk. deep.
its bad enough they never invited me in the past, now they're rubbing it in by telling me these things.
i feel like rubbing their faces on the tarmac road.
dont laugh.
it wasn't meant to be funny.
its bad enough my sch doesnt have vacation.
and after this, i'm most likely off to go for my NS.
since i cant see any point of continuing my life like this.
this year will be the final year that i will be spending as a teenager.
sometimes i feel like quitting sch and transferring to poly.
but i know that its not financially possible.
its pointless to conceive of the impossible.
now, i look back and think, maybe i deserve all this.
its my punishment for not doing well in studies.
that's why i'm stuck in a sch where conspiracies and hypocracies thrive
hand in hand.
i can barely solve my own problems and people expect me to listen and solve theirs?
a human being can only do so much. much less one who has gone through misfortune along his life.
from now on, i dont want to hear anyone else's problems. they've got brains, use 'em.
if not, use their friends', since they seem to have more than i do.
i cant even solve my own problems. so just give me a break, ok?
you know, its funny when i think back to a time when a friend of mine who got a girlfriend then told me to get one as well.
back then i didnt say anything.
but now, as the tables are reversed, i never mentioned anything about it and he's the one complaining that he's "so alone", "nobody wants him" or somewhere along those lines.
yes, you know who you are, so dont bother asking me.
then yesterday i found out that she's going to KL for 4 days that her sch organised sometime in april or october.
i cant help but envy her.
but i'm happy for her as well.
she always wanted this sort of thing.
the one thing i will never have.
but too, had always wanted.

bitter and broken,
signing off.
Ad@m360 | 5:00 PM |